1. |
Cheese
02:38
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Cheese
I don’t drink, I don’t smoke,
I’m an introverted kind of a bloke,
I’m not as fleet as the mountain goat,
But I’m so pleased because I love cheese.
I love cheese on a ploughman’s lunch,
As sure as a hunchback has a hunch on his back,
I’ve got cheese in my packed lunch.
Gorgonzola on a bap or roll,
I love brie on a breeze or maybe on skis,
I love stilton on stilts or in a kilt,
Oh yes, I love cheese.
I don’t bet, don’t do ket,
I try not to work up a sweat,
I haven’t broken these shoes in yet,
But I won’t sneeze at a nice piece of cheese.
Yes! I love cheese on a water biscuit,
A baguette or a cracker or I might risk it with fruit,
While wearing a cheesecloth suit.
Some people say, ladies and gentlemen,
that life is like a box of chocolates,
but for me it’s more of a smorgasbord,
so next time you’re down at the cheese counter in your local deli,
or maybe even a super market,
why not think of a very special loved one, ladies and gentlemen,
someone you hold very close to your heart,
and buy them a nice pound of mature cheddar?
Gouda on wholemeal, or a nice cheese wheel,
Or edam on the flippers of a seal,
Oh yes it’s real,
I love cheese,
I really love that cheese!
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2. |
The Land Hermit Crab
02:53
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Land Hermit Crab
If you see a shell moving on the shore
It might not be the gastropod you take it for
The land hermit crab has a very weak shell
So it lives in a shell where a snail used to dwell
(lives in a shell where a snail used to dwell)
When it sheds its exoskeleton
It takes a few days for it to feel well again
During that time it needs personal space
So try not to get in its face
(try not to get in its face)
Land hermit crab, land hermit crab
It’s found in the Florida Keys
Land hermit crab, land hermit crab
Lives alone or gregariously
Two of its legs are chelipeds
Or pincers located next to its head
The next four it uses to walk around
And the last four hold it in its house
(last four hold it in its house)
Land hermit crab, land hermit crab
Although it originates in the sea
Land hermit crab, land hermit crab
Breathes air just like you and me
Land hermit crab, land hermit crab
All together everybody sing
Land hermit crab, land hermit crab
All hail this crustacean king
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3. |
Runcorn
04:08
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Runcorn
I tried to settle down in Burchett Place,
I tried to settle down in Spring Grove Walk,
In Hyde Park, Burley and Woodhouse Cliff,
I wonder maybe one day if,
Some day I’m going back to Runcorn,
I’m going to make that town shine,
Some day I’m going back to Runcorn,
I’m going to pick that town up and make it mine.
I’m going to put a shine of love on the bus station,
I’ll put a smile on every pasty face,
I’ll wave a magic wand of happiness over the market,
And I won’t forget to put roses round Kwiksave.
I tried to make a life in Stanmore View,
I tried to carve my niche in Argie Road,
In Hyde Park, Burley and Woodhouse Cliff,
I wonder maybe one day if,
Some day I’m going back to Runcorn,
I’m going to take that town by storm,
Some day I’m going back to Runcorn,
My word, the welcome for me will be warm..
I’m going to polish up the bridge till it’s gleaming,
In High Street every crack will be paved,
I’m going to sail that canal from one end to the other,
And I won’t forget to put roses round Kwiksave,
No I won’t forget to put roses round Kwiksave.
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4. |
Elvis was a Black Belt
03:35
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Elvis was a black belt
Well………
When I was young I wanted to play the guitar. They said learn your scales and some day you'll go far. So I practiced and I practiced until I'd had enough, maybe I'd have been better off going wax on wax off.
Because Elvis was a black belt and I want to be one too and if I don't like karate then I'll have a go at kung fu. I think Elvis was 'Elvis the pelvis' cos he was skilled in a martial art. So, if you want to sing just like the king, then tai chi’s not a bad start. Well…….
Now……..
I played my scales on my own till I was feeling sad. I was very lonely but my technique wasn't half bad. To cheer myself up I bought a dog, it was a shitsu, maybe I'd have been better off learning jujitsu.
And furthermore……….
I wrote songs in my bedsit. I wrote songs in my condo, maybe I'd have been better off learning tae kwon do. When I think of all the music I've played and all the songs I've sung, maybe I'd have been better off learning wing chung.
Because Elvis was a black belt and I want to be one too and if I don't like karate then I'll have a go at kung fu. I think Elvis was 'Elvis the pelvis' cos he was skilled in a martial art. So, if you want to sing just like the king, then tai chi’s not a bad start. If you want to sing just like the king, then tai chi's not a bad, chi gong's not a bad, tai chi's not a bad start.
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5. |
The Ragtime Song
02:08
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The Ragtime Song
You say you love me,
But you don’t mean it,
You say you love me,
And like a fool I believe it,
I must escape dear,
Before I’ve had it,
I’ve see illusion,
But where’s the magic?
I whisper words of kindness in your ear,
Like “Can I buy you another glass of beer, my dear?”
You say you love me,
But you don’t mean it,
You say you love me,
And like a fool I believe it,
You said our love, dear,
Well it’s like the Titanic,
I’ve seen an iceberg,
And I’m starting to panic.
I whisper words of sweetness in your ear,
Like “Can I hold your hair back while you’re throwing up, dear?”
You say you love me,
But you don’t mean it,
You say you love me,
And like a fool I believe it,
I hate to tell you,
It’s over, I fear,
You’ll have to get a taxi home,
On your own tonight, my dear.
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6. |
Flea Beetles
04:03
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Flea Beetles
Flea beetles, small and shiny, flea beetles, those jumping beetles, flea beetles, emerge in spring, flea beetles, can fly a long way.
Young brassica's are their favourite fare they leave little holes in leaves and stems. Their larvae feed on the roots a bad attack can kill seedlings.
Protect crops by growing under fleece, grow plants as fast as possible, in the right season and conditions to get them through the vulnerable period.
Put cardboard smeared with car grease and slow drying glue under the plots and shake them up. The beetles will fall into the trap. Clear debris from around the plants, a last resort is Derris powder.
Flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, land hermit crab, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles, flea beetles.
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7. |
If I Loved You
03:06
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If I Loved You
If I loved you I would wear a fresh Carnation. If I loved you I'd fly flags of every nation. If I loved you I'd no longer play the cad. If I loved you I would be mad.
I would cast out hangers on like the traders from the temple. I would start noticing flowers how revoltingly sentimental. I would give up every vice I've ever had. Would it, could it, would it really be so bad?
If I love you I would not get in your way. If I loved you I would shaved every day. If I loved you I would hate it when you're sad, even though I'd know I would be mad.
I would fling open my heart like a pair of broken shutters. I would no longer get drunk and end up rolling in the gutter. I would give up all regrets put them all by. Would I, really, would I? Well elephants might fly.
If…………..
If I loved you it would be a great disaster. If I loved you I would suffer ever after. If I loved you I would lose myself a tad. If I loved you I would be mad. I would be mad. I would be ma ha had. If I loved you I would be maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.
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8. |
Introduction
01:43
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9. |
I Love Your Glove
02:55
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I Love Your Glove
You want to hold my hand,
But the problem is, you see,
A naked hand is bland,
Without the addition of PVC.
I love your glove,
It’s black and shiny,
I love your glove,
When you’re behind me,
I love your glove,
Oh heavens above,
I love your glove.
You want to hold me tight,
To prove our love is true,
But I want to get it right,
So Baby glove me do.
I love your glove,
It fits you tightly,
I love your glove,
It just delights me,
I love your glove,
When push comes to shove,
I love your glove.
Some people just don’t understand,
What we’ve found together,
I prefer the plastic one,
And she prefers the leather.
I love your glove,
I love them all,
I love your glove,
Both large and small,
I love your glove,
Oh heavens above,
I love your glove.
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10. |
Shut Up
02:15
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Shut Up
Shut up, shut up, I’m telling you shut up.
Someone should put those words to music.
Shut up, shut up, I think it’s such a good idea,
shut up, shut up, shut up.
When Napoleon said to Josephine “not tonight my dear”,
you know just what she should have told him
and when they said to Harold, “you must go and fight the French”,
you know just what he should have answered.
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.
Shut up, shut up, why can’t you just shut up.
An Opera should be written on the subject.
Shut up, shut up, I think it’s such a good idea,
shut up, shut up, shut up.
When Victoria said to Albert “we are not amused”,
you know just what he should have told her
and when Nixon said “there’ll be no whitewash at the White House”
someone really should have told him:
shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up.
Shut up
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11. |
Doug McClure
02:10
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Doug McClure
Sing of Doug McClure as he's fighting dinosaurs. He's every inch the hero as he dodges past their claws. Searching for Atlantis in a diving bell or crashing into biplane into prehistoric hell.
He's the man that time forgot in a Nazi submarine fighting ancient monsters in the mid-70s. Discovering in a mole machine a long forgotten tribe, he grapples with the Kraken and still comes out alive.
The tyrannosaurs all roar and the giant squid it squirts, and a tribe of angry cavemen grovel in the dirt. He's a pterodactyl twating Atlantean's worst nightmare. Sing of Doug McClure and his fantastic facial hair.
The Diplodocus trumpet and the quicksand sucks his feet, and man eating vegetation wants to have him for its tea. He is a rhamphorhychus strangling the damsel's best friend. Sing of Doug McClure he’s fighting monsters to the end.
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12. |
The Drinking Song
02:39
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The Drinking Song
Ain’t got no wife. Ain’t got no house.
Ain’t got nobody to care about.
Ain’t got no job. Ain’t got no car.
You always said that I’d go far.
Binge drinking got me into trouble.
Just another double and maybe I’ll quit.
Binge drinking got me into trouble.
Just another double and maybe I’ll quit.
Ain’t got no prospects, the cupboard’s bare,
but you can’t tell by the clothes I wear.
Ain’t got no feelings, except for numb.
To all advice I’m deaf and dumb.
I know, the devil licks his lips
when I raise a glass to mine.
I know, he’s waiting for me there
but somehow I’ve got to pass the time.
Binge drinking got me into trouble.
Just another double and maybe I’ll quit.
Binge drinking got me into trouble.
Just another double and maybe I’ll quit,
maybe I’ll quit, maybe I’ll quit, maybe I’ll quit.
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13. |
Spiderstep
05:03
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Spider Step
Let me teach you little spider,
you have been dropped on your head.
Let me teach you little spider,
little spider in your web.
Let me teach you to be cunning,
although the world decries.
Let me teach you to be master of all the little flies.
Spin, spin spider spin a sticky web
and wait with poison in your fangs remember what I said.
Spin, spin spider make sure the flies are scared,
make your web your cathedral but don’t get yourself snared.
Let me teach you to be ruthless
and strong and sure and quick,
to be right in your decisions in your methods forensic.
Let me teach you little spider. Let me teach you to be cruel
to all the other spiders in my cruel spider school.
Let me teach you how to trap them
and wrap them in your web.
Let me teach you how to snare them
each way that they tread.
Let me teach you little spider.
Let me teach you to be bad,
a rotter and a stinker and in every way a cad.
Spider, spider, spider, spider, spider.
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14. |
The Smoking Song
05:49
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The Smoking Song
I’ve tasted the tar of your cruel remarks
and seen no love in your eyes.
I remember the breath that drew me in,
still I crave your cancerous sighs.
Loving you is like giving up smoking,
a compulsion I cannot control.
Loving you is like giving up smoking.
It has tested my body and soul.
I remember the strike that ignited the match
that lit up my aching heart.
The poisonous kiss that drew me in,
from then on we were never apart.
[Screaming]
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15. |
Send Me Back Upstairs
02:40
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Send me back upstairs
Send me back upstairs,
Send me back upstairs,
If I’m eaten by a lion or I leave on the iron,
Send me back upstairs.
When I recline one final time,
And finally bugger off,
Just have a fine old time but,
Cover me up with a tablecloth and
Send me back upstairs,
Send me back upstairs,
If I get run down or I’m stabbed by a clown,
Send me back upstairs.
Later on, when I’m gone,
You may well think of me,
Don’t be blue, say “toodleoo”,
And be glad it’s me instead of you and
Send me back upstairs,
Send me back upstairs,
If I don’t fix the brakes or I eat too many cakes,
Send me back upstairs.
Oh send me, send me, send me back,
Send me, send me, send me back,
Send me, send me, send me back,
Send me back upstairs.
If I come back you’ll be surprised,
But not half as much as me,
Don’t be distressed, you know what’s best,
Just put me in a parcel, you know the address and
Send me back upstairs,
Send me back upstairs,
If I smoke in bed or I fall off the shed,
Send me back upstairs.
Send me back upstairs,
Send me back upstairs,
If it’s fingers in the sockets or I’m hit by a rocket,
Send me back upstairs.
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Biscuithead and the Biscuit Badgers Leeds, UK
From time immemorial these musicians have stood at the gateway of nonsense begging peanuts. Spending most of their time trapped in force fields and vortices, occasionally they are released to stalk the streets of Leeds. On such occasions you might hear the plaintive cry of Sam’s tuba, the mournful crow of Dean’s ukulele, the excited jazzy croaking of Bob’s piano or the purr of Matty’s drums. ... more
